Well, a threat is only as good as its followthrough, and I am nothing if not a credible threat. So you asked, and so long as the gag order is still in litigation, I am free to answer your questions.
Q. Any advice on retirement planning?
Yeah, if you were born after 1972, don't.
I'm not kidding.
If you were born after 1972, then you will hit the retirement age of 65 in 2037, which is when the Social Security Trust Fund will be exhausted. Like with many of America's modern problems, Ronald Reagan is to blame. Basically, in 1983, Reagan made it possible for Congress to use funds meant for the social security trust fund for basically anything, and by basically anything, I mean wars and subsidies for their donors. They did this with the knowledge that they would all be dead by the time we were old enough to really get screwed by it.
So, if you were born after 1972, you won't have social security to help fund your retirement, and considering that before SSI, ninety percent of retirees died in poverty, the outlook doesn't look great.
But wait, there's more. If you were born after 1985, you don't have to worry about not being able to afford retirement, because your retirement age coincides with the point at which climate change has done irreparable harm to humanity's ability to survive on planet earth. The bad news is that, just as you have started to reach your golden years you are likely to die, gasping and starving, wasting to nothing in the festering shell of a once prosperous civilization.
But if all of that seems grim, I dunno, buy some stocks or something.
Q. My Boss wants me to come in this weekend: What can I do?
Get some fake kids.
A rookie mistake you made was getting into a position where your boss thinks you are free on weekends. I keep some framed stock photos of a pair of kids on my desk. I told my boss when I first got hired that they were mine, but that I only have sole custody on the weekends. He's never asked me to come in, and I've been working side hustles every weekend for months. Additionally, fake kids are a great excuse to leave work early on a school day if you can convince your boss that you need to pick them up early.
What really sells this strategy, however, is being a dude. A man with children will be given leeway in a work environment, but a woman, AFAB, or just feminine presenting person will be punished professionally for having children that need to be taken care of, real or not.
Q. What are some cost-cutting techniques for grocery shopping
I've found that, for the most part, coupons are a scam. Sure, we've seen extreme couponing in the past where people can save hundreds of dollars, but, while stores like the idea of you seeing those and getting really into the coupon game, they really don't like it when you actually follow through. Additionally, a lot of coupons stopped being valid when covid struck, and, well, there is nothing you can do about that. Read the fine print and you'll basically see that a company can just decide to cancel a coupon for any reason.
Which brings me to the next option. Crime. But before I continue.
Financial Pro-Tip is a satirical work designed for comedic and entertainment purposes only. No part of this or any other work of Financial Pro-Tip should be construed as advocating for the commission of a crime. Financial Pro-Tip is written solely by a broke-ass scrub with no assets to speak of so suing me is gonna be like squeezing blood from a rock, not that'll keep you from trying, you fucking narc. Do not attempt any of the following, shoplifting is a crime in every US State and territory, which is weird, considering that, like, incest isn't, and incest is way more fucked up and bad for society then a single mom stealing food for her kids, but I guess that's where our priorities are as a nation. It's okay to fuck your cousin, but try to avoid starving to death and it'll be the government fucking you next. Anyway, don't steal, and don't sue me when you ignore this.
Right, glad we got that outta the way, so, shoplifting.
Shoplifting is like asking someone out on a date. It's all about confidence, timing, and what you're wearing. Someone who looks nervous is wearing bulky clothes, and is walking out of the store before it closes without buying anything is going to be stopped by loss prevention.
Loss prevention is going to be looking for someone with something stuffed down their shirt who is trying to walk quickly past the registers. That said, someone who goes through self-checkout during peak hours isn't going to raise any alarms. Self-Checkout now has cameras, which are meant to dissuade theft, but, see, they're pointed at your face, not at the scanner. The only thing the camera is going to do is help you fix your hair or tell you if security is standing behind you.
Nothing helps keep Lose Prevention at bay like a valid receipt, and that's another glorious thing about self-checkout, you leave with a recipt. Now, the store might try and stop you and check your recipt. This is a crime.
No, really, it's 100% voluntary. The courts have ruled that stuff you just bought is your property and is therefore protected by the Fourth Amendment against unlawful search. Costco and Sam's Club can do this because submitting to a receipt search is a condition of membership when you sign up, but otherwise, no matter how much they may object, you are not legally obligated to allow them to search you.
Shoplifting is like asking someone out on a date. It's all about confidence, timing, and what you're wearing. Someone who looks nervous is wearing bulky clothes, and is walking out of the store before it closes without buying anything is going to be stopped by loss prevention.
Loss prevention is going to be looking for someone with something stuffed down their shirt who is trying to walk quickly past the registers. That said, someone who goes through self-checkout during peak hours isn't going to raise any alarms. Self-Checkout now has cameras, which are meant to dissuade theft, but, see, they're pointed at your face, not at the scanner. The only thing the camera is going to do is help you fix your hair or tell you if security is standing behind you.
Nothing helps keep Lose Prevention at bay like a valid receipt, and that's another glorious thing about self-checkout, you leave with a recipt. Now, the store might try and stop you and check your recipt. This is a crime.
No, really, it's 100% voluntary. The courts have ruled that stuff you just bought is your property and is therefore protected by the Fourth Amendment against unlawful search. Costco and Sam's Club can do this because submitting to a receipt search is a condition of membership when you sign up, but otherwise, no matter how much they may object, you are not legally obligated to allow them to search you.
Q. What are some cost-effective replacements for my morning avocado toast?
Ah, Avocado Toast, the pinnacle of Bourgeous Excess among Millenials, despite the fact that it's an inexpensive fruit spread over inexpensive bread. I'll be honest, I do enjoy avocado toast. It's incredibly versatile. My partner makes great avocado toast and would make me some before work back when I freelanced construction. A slice of toast with avocado, cottage cheese, nutritional yeast, and tajin with a fried egg is filling enough to get me through the early mornings without stopping, even when I was working outside.
But Avocado toast has become this symbol for the wasteful spending of our generation. Why? Well, as with many things, it starts with a millionaire being an idiot. Some light googling found a clip from a 60 minutes interview where an Australian millionaire says:
“When I was trying to buy my first home, I wasn’t trying to buy smashed avocado for $19 and 4 coffees at $4 each.”
But Avocado toast has become this symbol for the wasteful spending of our generation. Why? Well, as with many things, it starts with a millionaire being an idiot. Some light googling found a clip from a 60 minutes interview where an Australian millionaire says:
“When I was trying to buy my first home, I wasn’t trying to buy smashed avocado for $19 and 4 coffees at $4 each.”
God, I hate rich people. So yeah, boot-licking boot-strapping capitalists ran with the line. Sure, an avocado costs $0.68 apiece at the store down the street as of this morning, but clearly, the reason I cannot afford healthcare is because of the Avocado, not the hundreds I spend every month paying off the Political Science degree that hangs on my wall, starring back at me. Years of my life in school, more years spent toiling in labor just to have the fruits of my labor ripped from me. You were supposed to liberate us, you were supposed to save us from debt, not drown us in it. It was a lie, college was all lies, everything is fake ONLY AVOCADOS ARE REAL!
Q. How can I invest if I'm broke
You really can't, and there is no economic incentive to change that.
See, the stock market doesn't measure anything tangible. It's basically a constant vote of confidence in itself. You might have heard that the Dow recently hit 30,000. Let me explain how this auspicious achievement is going to impact the average consumer.
It Fucking Doesn't
Because the stock market doesn't measure anything other than confidence in the market. The purchasing of stock will make that stock go up because it means that people wanna purchase it. It's entirely cyclical. If you sell a stock, its price will go down now because it was sold. The stock market loves stability, and that's where you come in.
Many of the historic drops in the market are called "Panics". This is because they often result when someone sells, and the price drop, so someone else sells, so it drops more, then, seeing the sudden drop, everyone decides to sell. This will cause the value of the stock to go into freefall, and anyone left holding that stock is completely SOL. So if you own a lot of stock, you can be ruined.
Who owns a lot of stock?
Rich people.
So now, rich people have lost a ton of money because poor people sold their stock, and that just won't do. So, and rather recently, every time the stock market takes a tumble, more and more stock is bought up by the super-wealthy, because the more of a percentage of the market they own, the more they can manipulate and mitigate shocks. It's why 80% of all stock is owned by the top 1% of investors.
So even as we are less than a month away from a massive eviction crisis with no sign that the outgoing government will do anything about it so that they can punish the American people for not reelecting them, the dow has hit 30,000, which again, is fucking meaningless.
But what does this mean for you? Well, if you're one of the millions of American's who is facing eviction at the end of the month, I would invest in some winter coats.
Happy Holidays.
Oof, this is a tough one. I remember my father's cancer treatments. We had good insurance because my dad worked a union job (Unions are fucking lifesavers) and even then, things got dicey at times. I remember looking over one of our bills. I was 16, and I saw that, over the course of the last few months, the medical system had billed my father over a quarter of a million dollars, and this was before treatment had really started in earnest.
I'll admit, I wracked my brain over how to answer this, and no matter what angle I approach this at, it isn't funny. The fact that we are the only developed nation on earth that lets its citizens drown in debt like this, the fact that we have a barely functional safety net for those who are disabled, the fact that our government basically enforces eugenics through economic devastation, it's all actually sickening.
One of the ways that people with disabilities are actively punished in this county is that people who receive disability benefits cannot have more than $2,000 in assets. Literally, there are so many restrictions on your life if you receive disability benefits. Considering that this is the one marginalized community that literally anyone at any time could become a part of, we do so little to take care of them.
As for the $2,000 asset limit, there is one thing that can help. The ABLE Savings account, which is a type of account written into law in 2014. Money in the account doesn't count as assets. Even these are still limited, with a total annual contribution of $15,000 from all sources. It is also limited to a total amount of $100,000.
Other then that, I don't know what I can offer. This country is awful to it's citizens, especially those who it has pushed to the margins. So if you're in this situation, I am so sorry. If you're *not* in this situation, know that you are likely very close to being there. You're certainly more likely to be on disability and drowning in medical debt then you are to being a millionaire, so do what you can to advocate for those who are suffering under these bullshit systems.
###
Well, that's it for now. We laughed, we cried, I did everything I could to avoid another charge for the abetting of property crime, and most importantly, we all had some fun. I liked this, and I might do this again sometimes. You're always welcome to submit questions, as I get very lonely and appreciate the social contact. Until next time, just remember, Financial Pro-Tip is not liable for your actions if you are caught. If you don't get caught, a 20% gratuity is apprecaited.
Because the stock market doesn't measure anything other than confidence in the market. The purchasing of stock will make that stock go up because it means that people wanna purchase it. It's entirely cyclical. If you sell a stock, its price will go down now because it was sold. The stock market loves stability, and that's where you come in.
Many of the historic drops in the market are called "Panics". This is because they often result when someone sells, and the price drop, so someone else sells, so it drops more, then, seeing the sudden drop, everyone decides to sell. This will cause the value of the stock to go into freefall, and anyone left holding that stock is completely SOL. So if you own a lot of stock, you can be ruined.
Who owns a lot of stock?
Rich people.
So now, rich people have lost a ton of money because poor people sold their stock, and that just won't do. So, and rather recently, every time the stock market takes a tumble, more and more stock is bought up by the super-wealthy, because the more of a percentage of the market they own, the more they can manipulate and mitigate shocks. It's why 80% of all stock is owned by the top 1% of investors.
So even as we are less than a month away from a massive eviction crisis with no sign that the outgoing government will do anything about it so that they can punish the American people for not reelecting them, the dow has hit 30,000, which again, is fucking meaningless.
But what does this mean for you? Well, if you're one of the millions of American's who is facing eviction at the end of the month, I would invest in some winter coats.
Happy Holidays.
Q. How can I pay off my medical bills if I'm disabled and can't work.
Oof, this is a tough one. I remember my father's cancer treatments. We had good insurance because my dad worked a union job (Unions are fucking lifesavers) and even then, things got dicey at times. I remember looking over one of our bills. I was 16, and I saw that, over the course of the last few months, the medical system had billed my father over a quarter of a million dollars, and this was before treatment had really started in earnest.
I'll admit, I wracked my brain over how to answer this, and no matter what angle I approach this at, it isn't funny. The fact that we are the only developed nation on earth that lets its citizens drown in debt like this, the fact that we have a barely functional safety net for those who are disabled, the fact that our government basically enforces eugenics through economic devastation, it's all actually sickening.
One of the ways that people with disabilities are actively punished in this county is that people who receive disability benefits cannot have more than $2,000 in assets. Literally, there are so many restrictions on your life if you receive disability benefits. Considering that this is the one marginalized community that literally anyone at any time could become a part of, we do so little to take care of them.
As for the $2,000 asset limit, there is one thing that can help. The ABLE Savings account, which is a type of account written into law in 2014. Money in the account doesn't count as assets. Even these are still limited, with a total annual contribution of $15,000 from all sources. It is also limited to a total amount of $100,000.
Other then that, I don't know what I can offer. This country is awful to it's citizens, especially those who it has pushed to the margins. So if you're in this situation, I am so sorry. If you're *not* in this situation, know that you are likely very close to being there. You're certainly more likely to be on disability and drowning in medical debt then you are to being a millionaire, so do what you can to advocate for those who are suffering under these bullshit systems.
###
Well, that's it for now. We laughed, we cried, I did everything I could to avoid another charge for the abetting of property crime, and most importantly, we all had some fun. I liked this, and I might do this again sometimes. You're always welcome to submit questions, as I get very lonely and appreciate the social contact. Until next time, just remember, Financial Pro-Tip is not liable for your actions if you are caught. If you don't get caught, a 20% gratuity is apprecaited.
Love this post! So much good advice!
ReplyDeleteGood sh*t make more :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, I'm always looking for more questions.
Delete